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【雅思作文批改】6.5分：結(jié)尾段的語句不夠精煉

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【雅思作文批改】6.5分：結(jié)尾段的語句不夠精煉


【雅思作文批改】6.5分：結(jié)尾段的語句不夠精煉【【雅思作文批改】6.5分：結(jié)尾段的語句不夠精煉】01、危險的運動應(yīng)該被取消 ， 這樣的話題出現(xiàn)的還是比較普遍的，相對來說也比較好寫，但也因為范圍太廣不好找切入點，這位同學(xué)寫得還不錯 ， 看看他是怎樣展開思路的？



作文題目：

Some people think thatdangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should havefreedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

作文內(nèi)容：

Extreme sports are becomingincreasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash withrepeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although agroup of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmlyhold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sportsactivities.

There is no doubt that extremesports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have beenimproved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.Forinstance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losingtheir lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping froma inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protecthuman beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.

However,doing dangerous sports isan effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish theirlives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live afast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to themwhich could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such asskydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1]as they need to totally focus onthe dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about theirwork.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing thefrightening feelings of death.

To conclude,although extremesports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,theprobability is quite small.Also,thedangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress andmake people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continuedand the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities morereliable.

[A1]擺脫的不是工作，而是工作帶來的壓力，這里需要修改；
[A2]和上面的重復(fù)過多 ， 緩解壓力變相表達(dá)就是心情變得更加愉悅，可以從這個角度來改變表達(dá)方式，后者及意識的生命的寶貴，不可直接把上面的句子拿下來


各項細(xì)評：




針對問題最大的一點給出修改建議：

結(jié)尾段的語句不夠精煉 ， 這點給整篇文章拉分 。希望今后不要出現(xiàn)結(jié)尾段直接和上面表達(dá)雷同的情況，并且表達(dá)方式可以更加靈活

附批改原圖：







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